Saturday, January 31, 2009

this is the best converstion we've ever had

jessica: i haven't met him yet
if i had to guess, yes
what if he's dumb?
3:06 AM and i have to carry on conversation with him most of the evening?
shakes head
i'm gonna cry if i keep thinkin on it
me: rubs your back
jessica: and that just makes me sad.
and i don't know why!
3:07 AM me: its because you really cared about him
jessica: i did i do i do
but maybe .... i need to let that go
3:08 AM me: you know
i am scared about the same thing dating a boy
pats your arm
tests it for detachablility
jessica: it's hard huh
tugs on yours too
3:09 AM me: yes....*stares at your arm with a thinking face* it is hard to detach
jessica: like....if you fall in love with someone else
is glad that it is
me: if you fall in love with someone else
you have to almost kick
jessica: would be good... but ... yes
me: that other person out of the master bedroom
and they have all their stuff in the master room
jessica: is true
me: and you have to work all week
jessica: ALL OF IT
3:10 AM me: and your tired
jessica: and you only have the week
me: also
jessica: and it's big heavy stuff
me: your sisters gonna have a baby
your car is broken
jessica: and stuff that doesn't want to fit through the door without having to take it apart
me: so is the washer
jessica: and you have to cook a dish to take to work
and bake cupcakes for your friend
all your lingerie is hanging on everything in there
me: and no one wants to help you at all
3:11 AM jessica: NO ONE.
me: not even your EX
who was like
jessica: AT ALL
me: so in love with you
jessica: and then not.
me: and usually does anything
but hes like
"i would do anything for love but i wont do that"
and you mocked him to your friends later
jessica: which makes you start singing
me: for quoting meatloaf
jessica: the song.
just the one line.
it's stuck in your head
you break down in the shower singing it.
just the one line.
3:12 AM me: and your computers broken
so you cant google the rest
jessica: and the clue.
he has no clue
me: he doesnt!
jessica: he thinks he's comin into a clean ready for him bedroom
he thinks you'll be happy to see him.
me: but you are!
are not!
all your good underwear you bleed through
jessica: nods sadly
and all that's left - granny panties
me: with the broken elastic
jessica: hanging on the damn treadmill that you couldn't get out the door in time.
and it's the first thing he sees.
me: and your granny hairs are in
3:14 AM and you havent shaved
jessica: and you fall to the floor, broken.
me: because you have razor burn
a broken woman
jessica: and screaming to the heavens, WHY, GOD? WHY?
me: and he thinks your crazy
but damn him
gosh damn him
jessica: this is the best conversation we've ever had.
me: its his fault
jessica: then he leaves
me: for making you love him
it is
jessica: and you're just happy you don't have to move his shit out of the bedroom
3:15 AM me: because thats what caused this entire breakdown in the first place
jessica: points but that stupid treadmill will be there forever.
renamed, lingerie rack.
it is!
all his fault!
me: because you have weak upper body strenght
jessica: alone! in the desert!
3:16 AM i knew i should've done more weightlifting.
me: i know i shoulda bought the nordiflex
its an entire body regime
jessica: it is!
and it folds away neatly
me: unlike a treadmill
jessica: because boys want to leave big hulky objects in your way so that you trip over them everyday and cry remembering him and wishing you could burn that sucker down
me: and one day you do
and they arrest you
jessica: that's a tricky one.
me: for arson
jessica: and you go to jail
ohhh true
in the jail
3:18 AM he's in the jail for selling crack on the street
me: no no
hes not in jail
jessica: that's my own version in my head...but really he's probably married
and CRAZY HAPPY on the madness gravy!
me: he just made a cool million
with the stupidest idea
jessica: shakes her fist at the madness gravy
me: like a new nutcracker
that was so stupid its thing people who have no common sense buy
3:19 AM and you told him it was stupid
jessica: and now he's shovin it in your face
3:21 AM driving some crazy car that he had custom made like a Musjagsaabenztang
me: and its so ugly
jessica: sooooo ugly
3:22 AM and he's going through a midlife crisis already and is in a convertible
me: but hes not bald at all
jessica: well, the musjagsaabenztang is a convertible
not at all
but he wears the sports jacket like on Miami Vice
me: and all you can think is to call him don johnson
3:23 AM jessica: ooooooohhhhhh, don johnson, could we ride in your stupid car?
that only gets 2 mpg.
me: but he likes it because "it gets all the babes"
which makes you puke alittle whenever he says that
3:24 AM jessica: in your mouth.
me: while he blares Weezer who is the only band from this century that he knows
jessica: laughs
so, yeah, that treadmill.
needs to go.
3:26 AM me: right now
so does his ugly ugly chair
that chair
jessica: that damn recliner.
me: its not a chair
its a fucking tote box
jessica: hahahahahaha
gets the hatchet
me: gets lighter fluid
3:27 AM jessica: finds matches

Friday, January 16, 2009

Happy Birthday LilyDay and Gwynn

I wrote you both a poem right now.

i think my heart is growing in backwards

it used to hangheavy
never picked at the right time
i let it swell but then the rot


but since
being loved everyday
harvested and used

i cannot help but think of
being happy and the autumn
as interchangeable things

An Aside

[19:35] Bedlamie Thunders: i like the couch
[19:35] Bedlamie Thunders: i wish i could steal
[19:36] Gwynn Blackburn: Yeah, nice stuff.
[19:36] Mordacius Blackburn: Well, we could go to the store it was bought at?
[19:36] Bedlamie Thunders: nah i wish i could steal it
[19:36] Bedlamie Thunders: and Paisley come in tomorrow
[19:36] Bedlamie Thunders: and it be gone
[19:36] Mordacius Blackburn: Hahaha
[19:36] Bedlamie Thunders: i want the effect of stealing the couch more than the couch itself

Good Morning No One

[18:59] Bedlamie Thunders: Hello I'm Bedlamie Thunders
[18:59] Bedlamie Thunders: Here at Ugly Couch Chat
[18:59] Bedlamie Thunders: We will discuss nothing worth watching
[19:00] Bedlamie Thunders: because its 5 am
[19:00] Bedlamie Thunders: and you hate everything

Bedlamie Thunders: Our Hostess

[19:00] Mordacius Blackburn: Fascinating, Bedlamie
[19:00] Bedlamie Thunders: Gwynnn your thoughts on ants?
[19:00] Gwynn Blackburn: I think they hate America, Bedlamie.
[19:00] Gwynn Blackburn: I think they're terrorists.
[19:00] Mordacius Blackburn: As the Lord of Lies, I'm compelled to point out that they're an example of the failure of Socialism
[19:00] Mordacius Blackburn: It makes you small

Gwynn Blackburn The Actress

[19:00] Bedlamie Thunders: Gwynn is an expert in made up ninja techniques and is here prompting her book
[19:00] Mordacius Blackburn: And six legged
[19:01] Bedlamie Thunders: LoL, can I call you that?..What about the hairy palm myth?
[19:02] Mordacius Blackburn: In fact, at the time of his death, Joseph Stalin was only three inches long.
[19:02] Bedlamie Thunders: How...interesting
[19:02] Gwynn Blackburn: Yes, my book covers the Nine Ninja No-Nos.
[19:03] Mordacius Blackburn: My favorite chapter is Chapter 4: Nunchaku, Threat or Menace?
[19:03] Gwynn Blackburn: From 'yo mama' jokes to 'not becoming an unwitting target,' my book will help you avoid the "no nos" when dealing with deadly ninjas.
[19:03] Gwynn Blackburn shivers.
[19:03] Bedlamie Thunders: Lol darhling, you've already read it?
[19:04] Bedlamie Thunders: to make this really evil
[19:04] Mordacius Blackburn: Oh, I read everything.
[19:05] Bedlamie Thunders: So you two are getting married?
[19:05] Mordacius Blackburn: They tell you my opposite number wants a personal relationship with you, but *I* put forth some effort.
[19:05] Gwynn Blackburn: I will let my esteemed colleague, the Prince of Lies, answer that question.
[19:05] Mordacius Blackburn: Of course.
[19:06] Mordacius Blackburn: It is necessary to protect marriage: it'd be wrong to bring forth the Antichrist out of wedlock.
[19:06] Bedlamie Thunders: Is the wedding going to be low key? what designer are you going to wear, Gwynn?
[19:06] Gwynn Blackburn: I was planning on wearing sacrificial robes. I'm not sure why the Prince of Lies requires them, but I'm certain it's for a good reason.
[19:07] Mordacius Blackburn: Oh, it is.
[19:07] Mordacius Blackburn: It's a long standing tradition among my people.
[19:07] Bedlamie Thunders: So it will be Chanel then?
[19:07] Bedlamie Thunders: I heard that Kurt Langsfield is your close associate
[19:07] Gwynn Blackburn: Kurt Langsfield is my bitch, Bedlamie.
[19:08] Bedlamie Thunders coughs into her coffee cup
[19:08] Mordacius Blackburn: Really, I like to think that everyone is in my employ
[19:09] Bedlamie Thunders: Well not me yet, LoL!
[19:09] Gwynn Blackburn: The operative word being 'yet'.
[19:09] Mordacius Blackburn: You may want to take another look at your contract for hosting this show
[19:09] Bedlamie Thunders slaps his knee playfully with her pamphlet
[19:10] Mordacius Blackburn: After all, what is television but an elaborate hoax? And that's my business model, of course.
[19:10] Bedlamie Thunders: So how did you two lovebirds meet?
[19:10] Mordacius Blackburn: Patented
[19:10] Gwynn Blackburn: Carnal relations.
[19:10] Gwynn Blackburn: We were in the middle of having sex, and I got curious about the horns.
[19:10] Mordacius Blackburn: A gentleman doesn't like to kiss and tell.
[19:11] Mordacius Blackburn: So there we were...
[19:11] Bedlamie Thunders: Now Gwynnn you used to be a promote movie actress?
[19:11] Gwynn Blackburn laughs!
[19:11] Gwynn Blackburn: Bedlamie, I think of acting as merely a hobby. The Oscars I received were icing on the cake.
[19:11] Mordacius Blackburn: ...And so she says, "Rectum? I nearly killed 'em."
[19:11] Mordacius Blackburn: Oh, I think my mic went out for a minute, there
[19:11] Mordacius Blackburn: Ah, well
[19:11] Gwynn Blackburn: ;D
[19:12] Bedlamie Thunders: So LoL, do you get frustrated with Gwynn's soaring acting career?
[19:12] Bedlamie Thunders: I mean your big stint was the bible
[19:12] Mordacius Blackburn: Oh, not at all.
[19:12] Mordacius Blackburn: Oh, I'm everywhere. For your convenience.
[19:13] Mordacius Blackburn: For instance, you're probably not aware, but Diebold manufactures most ATMs.
[19:13] Mordacius Blackburn: Every time you check your balance, you can picture me waving and smiling.
[19:14] Gwynn Blackburn: Some choose not to picture that, Mord!
[19:14] Mordacius Blackburn: Can't imagine why

Mordacius Blackburn as Lord of Lies or LoL

[19:15] Bedlamie Thunders: So LoL, the burning question Tom Cruise on your side or our side?
[19:15] Gwynn Blackburn: Tom Cruise isn't on anyone's side, Bedlamie.
[19:16] Gwynn Blackburn: Tom Cruise is his own unit of measurement.
[19:16] Mordacius Blackburn: Well, I'm not at liberty to discuss Tom Cruise due to a pending lawsuit with the Church of Scientology.
[19:16] Mordacius Blackburn: My lawyers have advised me to wait for the settlement.
[19:16] Bedlamie Thunders: And Lord knows you have the best
[19:17] Bedlamie Thunders hehaws
[19:17] Mordacius Blackburn: We get all the lawyers...just not necessarily right up front.
[19:17] Bedlamie Thunders: Now I heard rumor that you two are staring in a movie together?
[19:17] Bedlamie Thunders: Gwynn you want to tell us about that?
[19:18] Gwynn Blackburn: Oh, Bedlamie. You always are up on the latest gossip! That's supposed to be a secret!
[19:18] Gwynn Blackburn: I'll have to have my crew members killed. :)
[19:18] Bedlamie Thunders: Well I did sell my soul!
[19:18] Bedlamie Thunders snorts into her coffee
[19:19] Mordacius Blackburn: (The coffee is also cursed.)
[19:19] Bedlamie Thunders: So the movie...
[19:20] Mordacius Blackburn: Ah, it's based on my favorite writer: Stephen Ratliff.
[19:20] Bedlamie Thunders: Not Steven King this time? You two used to be so close
[19:20] Mordacius Blackburn: With Brannon Braga directing
[19:20] Mordacius Blackburn: Oh, I've had my eye on Paramount for a while
[19:21] Gwynn Blackburn: And they've had their eye on you! Hahaha.
[19:21] Gwynn Blackburn laughs fakely.
[19:21] Mordacius Blackburn: I did ghostwrite for Voyager
[19:21] Bedlamie Thunders laughs along, her eyes dead
[19:21] Mordacius Blackburn: Hehehe
[19:22] Bedlamie Thunders: So where are you two residing? Do you have a house in hell?
[19:22] Bedlamie Thunders: Rent there is through the roof!
[19:22] Mordacius Blackburn: No, we have a little place here.
[19:22] Mordacius Blackburn: It's like the old saying goes:
[19:23] Mordacius Blackburn: "When there is no more room in Hell, the dead will take up valuable ARC in SL."
[19:23] Bedlamie Thunders holds her stomach and laughs
[19:24] Bedlamie Thunders: So what are you two lovebirds future plans?
[19:25] Gwynn Blackburn: I am set to give birth to the AntiChrist. It'll be an arduous labor, taking at least 37 hours and ripping me from stem to stern.
[19:25] Mordacius Blackburn: At least it won't be as bad as that chick in Twilight
[19:25] Mordacius Blackburn: That's *gotta* hurt
[19:25] Gwynn Blackburn: The dead shall rise, and the old ones will live among us.
[19:26] Bedlamie Thunders: Well that means we will have more viewers to profit from the VOLVO XR BUMBLEBEE
[19:26] Mordacius Blackburn: Well, yes. And think of the wisdom they'll be able to share!
[19:26] Bedlamie Thunders: I, for one, am excited
[19:27] Bedlamie Thunders: How will you keep your figure?
[19:27] Mordacius Blackburn is certain some of them will even be able to help you Make $$$ Fast!
[19:27] Gwynn Blackburn: I won't. I will be a withered husk of what was once a woman. Satan will move on to fresh territory, and my reign in hell shall begin.
[19:28] Mordacius Blackburn: She means I'll be moving on to the secretary.
[19:28] Mordacius Blackburn: Isn't that always the way?
[19:28] Bedlamie Thunders puts her chin in her hands and sighs
[19:28] Gwynn Blackburn: It's love in its truest form.
[19:28] Bedlamie Thunders: Ya know, and they say we haven't broken any glass ceilings
[19:28] Bedlamie Thunders: A woman ruling hell!
[19:28] Bedlamie Thunders: That's pretty progressive if you ask me
[19:29] Gwynn Blackburn: Well, with Earth firmly in his domain, he'll have no need of hell, and its hojillion citizens.
[19:29] Gwynn Blackburn: I think I'll be able to give it that woman's touch.
[19:29] Bedlamie Thunders: and no more leg shaving!
[19:29] Gwynn Blackburn: Amen to that! Hahaha.
[19:29] Gwynn Blackburn laughs hollowly.
[19:29] Mordacius Blackburn: And bras will be much easier to burn, with all that fire right there.
[19:29] Bedlamie Thunders is empty inside
[19:30] Bedlamie Thunders: We are almost out of time but LoL, one question everyone wants to know?
[19:30] Mordacius Blackburn: Boxers or briefs? Neither.
[19:30] Bedlamie Thunders: Why have you let Joel Schmaucher go on so long?
[19:31] Mordacius Blackburn: Oh, him? He's pretty funny.
[19:32] Bedlamie Thunders heres the music cue and leans into to talk to Gwynn in hushed girl whispers
[19:32] Bedlamie Thunders: Next for some real evil
[19:32] Bedlamie Thunders: THE VIEW

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Somehow I know I'll be blamed for this

So I made a little wish for my birthday..

How was I supposed to know it would amount to this?

This room is so beautiful. Why have I never noticed before?

Do any of you know Excel? David please ..not not you David the other David.. please put these in that file..

A million Davids look on under a rain of blood. It is either the apocalypse or really really bad Dr. Who fan fiction.

I think I'll pack up my desk again....

Thursday, January 1, 2009